This shouldn’t be a hard list to make but it is because all of these songs have something else to recommend such that people are willing to forgive the terrible lyrics and somehow get them stuck in their heads thereby making it hard to remember all the other terrible out there.
However, I really can’t fail to note…:
“This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy
looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love.”
Really? I know it’s a metaphor. (Though I’m not sure if Train does.) But, no, that doesn’t help.Please try to write less terrible lyrics.
2. Anything by LMFAO. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Animal skin pants out of control.
Get them in control, asshats. And, uh huh, I’m aware that you work out. That also doesn’t help.
3. John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland.” I could just go ahead and write *Anything* by John Mayer here but I’ll go ahead and get specific. Terribly, terribly specific with “Your body is a wonderland:”
“One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue.”
I could have easily just quoted this whole goddamn song. But this bit jumped out at me because bah da da dup bah! John: Have you ever heard of cliches? I’ll assume a little bird told you about them…
4. Outkast’s “Roses.” I like Andre 3000 as much and possibly more than the next person but was this really a “hook” kind of line that seemed like a great idea for an audience over the “poop joke” phase?
“I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like poo-oo-ooo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo-oo-ooo.”
6. Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” To be fair it’s not like she wrote the song. So I’m giving the side eye to everyone who was like, “Wow! This is a great song to push a young teenage girl who’s inevitably going to get crap for it for the rest of her life.”
“It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend.
Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday…”
Did you guys know that Thursday game before Friday? I didn’t until this song reassured me.
“Can I get a toot-toot!
Can I get a beep-beep!”
“I’ma get get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump
My hump my hump my hump my hump my hump
My hump my hump my hump my lovely little lumps.”
So is this a metaphor too? I’m confused. Maybe Fergie should check with Train…
9. Bobby Bare “Goal Posts of Life.” We drove into a town I would eventually spend high school in for the first time and this was playing on one of the 5 stations our car could get as we approached. I have a weird respect for this song… the town is a good town but as someone who was not and is still not emotionally involved with high school football and the conservative politics and all of the religious stuff you’d expect to be co-opted with a song like that… well… I expect Jesus to strive for more, lyrically and metaphorically speaking…
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.”