My fellow Americans, this election is about the economy. And jobs. And our troops. And ensuring a brighter future for our children. And family values.
I am a person of faith. I want to talk about something that’s very important to me and my family. Since we’re in mixed company I won’t use anatomically correct names for body parts. That’s just crass. So I’ll say that I’m very concerned about the wangs that are conceiving
I believe we ought to value the lives and potential lives of our future children.
I believe vasectomies should require psychological evaluations, a waiting period, and written consent from the man’s wife or, if he’s unmarried, his mother or closest female relative.
I believe the States ought to decide their own policy and associated punitive measures when it comes to suspected or verified instances of masturbation and the mandatory nature of cups in sporting events.
I believe in the Bible. And the Bible tells us that circumcision is the healthiest, most pro-family centered choice for men and boys. In fact, it ought to be the law.
I’ve spoken to doctors and spiritual leaders who are members of the same political groups as I am and line up ideologically with me exactly. And the consensus in these medical and spiritual communities is amazing: all males should be circumcised.
I could spend some time on the “science” behind that but, given that I don’t think global warming exists and believe the earth is literally a couple thousand years old, let’s face it: science isn’t really my thing. Plus I don’t have that kind of time. As a serious politician, I can’t be expected to educate myself on body parts I don’t even have. I’m busy doing important stuff over here.
I believe that employers should not be required to cover health costs that may possibly be related to wang usage that they find morally objectionable. And as we’ve already established, I’m not too big on science.
For example, yesterday I spoke with Maureen, a laid off auto-worker from the great State of
Employers shouldn’t have to pay for porn cancer. You are responsible for your own behavior. Whatever happened to individual responsibility?
But all you men out there shouldn’t worry. Because I’m married. To a man. In fact, there’s no way you could live in my house and *not* care about men’s issues. You better believe that when we make it to the White House it’ll be very male friendly. There’ll be a
I understand that there’s a diversity of experience out there among men. But I won’t cave to special interests by letting my campaign be side tracked by men’s issues. Instead, we’ll just go ahead and push to legislate what I know is right, namely all of my beliefs above.
I know there are extreme Masculin-ists out there who try to tell us that what a man does with his body is ultimately his business or that it’s dehumanizing to treat a man as one might treat livestock put out to stud.
But I believe this issue is about good old fashioned accountability and standing up for the rights of our children and future children. I put children first.
Besides, the real issue here is the economy and I believe men know that. They’re not going to let themselves get distracted by wedge issues and special interests.