A kid in Target mistook me for a pirate. I was walking through the home decor section, minding my own business when I heard, “Wow! Dad! That lady’s a real live PIRATE!” I was wearing mid calf leather boots, skinny jeans, and a striped shirt. In the mirror aisle I stopped to look at my reflection. I had to admit the kid had a point.
In between pregnancy, birth, illness, miscarriage, and general exhaustion my body’s been in a constant state of flux for almost six years. Re-vamping my wardrobe was something I told myself I’d do after I hit some kind of physical equilibrium. I think I have now. Or at least I’ve hit my breaking point.
The clothes that fit the other iterations of my physique now either make me look like I’m wearing a tent or sausage casings. I have all the flair associated with a generic catalog mom who stopped paying attention in 2007. My keen awareness of this is not helping my confidence level. I don’t want to be someone whose clothes actively make her look and feel worse so I’m determined to remedy this situation..
But I’ve been out of the game for so long that I no longer know the rules. How do you pull a maxi-dress off without looking like a Duggar? Neon colors and acid jeans with zippers at the ankles are a thing again. Presumably there’s a way to wear these trends so you don’t look like a WHAM! concert attendee but I have no idea what it is. I saw a romper in Nordstrom the other day. For adults. I can’t even… GAH.
Embracing all the trends up to and including rompers is not in the cards for me but trying a few of them might be refreshing. Only figuring out how to do that is tricky. I thought, “All right. I’m pear shaped so I’ll try a lighter colored form skimming shirt with horizontal stripes, some darker skinny jeans. and then some chunkier boots so my lower legs don’t end up looking like toothpicks in comparison to my thighs. Yes! Brilliant! Who’s got two thumbs and is embracing style again? This girl!”
Annnnnnnd I wound up being mistaken for a pirate. Arrrrr, methinks style rehab be rough sailing, maties.