Maybe five years ago I came across a story about a peacock named Ron who attacked blue cars. Despite the copious amounts of crazy news I’ve read since, Ron’s story has stuck with me because it was that awesome.
Ron the peacock lived on grand English estate complete with a prototypical crazy aristocratic owner. Ron, being a peacock worth his salt and worthy of his estate, dutifully protected his turf from rival males. Only Ron confused rival male peacocks with blue cars and pecked and scratched the hell out of a blue Lexus to the tune of $10,000 damage.
While ornithologists (and pretty much everyone else) were in agreement that Ron’s Lexus vandalism was most likely the result of him confusing shiny blue car paint for the shiny blue feathers of other male peacocks during mating season, Sir Eccentric Guy was of the opinion that Ron attacked cars because he was gay. I’m not sure whether he meant that Ron was trying to mate with the Lexus he had mistaken for a male peacock or whether he meant that Ron, being gay, was naturally going to be prone to attempted car jacking so I’m unclear as to whether the crazy rich guy was actually in fundamental disagreement with the ornithologists.
Sir Eccentric Guy put up a bunch of signs around his estate warning motorists away from Ron the peacock. I don’t actually know what the signs said but in my head they have the same style and font as “Beware of Dog” signs but say, “Beware of sexually confused peacock” and underneath that there’s a picture of a peacock attacking a blue car with an alarmed driver inside only because it’s a terrible road sign graphic it looks like a there’s a guy about to sneeze in a car being swatted with a giant feather duster.
“Why tell us about Ron here?” you might ask. First and foremost, there’s no way hearing about Ron the Felony Auto Vandal hasn’t made your life just a little bit better.
But I’m also mentioning it because today at the zoo I saw this sign:
I’m pretty sure no one else at the zoo saw the sign because they were way too busy antagonizing the free range peacock that was wandering around the zoo obligingly not vandalizing or assaulting anything.
Clearly they didn’t know about Ron because thanks to him when I think about peacocks I am entirely sure that their stabby little beaks and claws could mess me up like a Lexus during mating season. I therefore would not encourage my small child to get in a peacock’s face with a camera phone especially if the zoo has brought out the “Don’t Taunt The Birds. It Will Make Them VERY ANGRY” signs.
|To be fair, this particular peacock just strutted along condescendingly until he jumped through a fence into an employee’s only area and looked back at us all in disgust.|
Really there’s no socially acceptable way to take a stranger aside and say, “Hey, I can’t help but notice you’re poking that peacock. Did you know that peacocks are known felons? Also there are signs up around the zoo that basically say “Don’t do that thing you’re doing right now.” So. You know. You should probably stop poking that peacock.” So I didn’t tell anyone about Ron.
But now, internet, I can tell you: next time you see a peacock wandering around doing its peacock stuff don’t antagonize it, encourage your child to taunt it, or otherwise tempt it to maul you. It might be an extra pointy attack bird who can and will cut you like a luxury vehicle during mating season. Maybe the peacock in question has even done it before and gotten away with it because he’s owned by a crazy rich guy.
Always remember Ron.