Sometimes a once proud, helpful word is stripped of its dignity and utility and forced to wallow in the company of buzzwords like “4G” and “extreme to the max.” I give you seven examples:
1. You know when you’re on hold with the cable company and they’re like, “Your call is very important to us. Please hold for 43 minutes while listening to horrible music”? Yeah… we must have two different definitions of “important.”
2. Synergist corporate types who adopt proactive paradigms tend to find lots of “opportunities.” Like that giant pile of crap in the corner? That’s a phenomenal opportunity to improve office organization and aesthetics! Yay! And that guy who everyone knows is on the brink of being fired? That lucky bastard’s got so many opportunities it’s not even funny.
3. My kindergartener doesn’t have homework. She has a “family fun calendar.” No elaboration necessary.
4. During the government shut down “non-essential” workers and services were furloughed. And we discovered that large chunks of FEMA, the EPA, and WIC were apparently “non-essential.” Also? If you’re a federal government employee apparently your paycheck is “non-essential” too.
5. Did you know breast cancer is a thing? Maybe 3 whole Americans have no idea. So I really appreciate it when the entire NFL dons pink to “raise awareness” of breast cancer. Were I a more cynical person I might think that the NFL was trying to sell merchandise to female fans and generally exploit our collective hatred of cancer… But that would mean “raise awareness” is at times synonymous with “PR campaign profiteering off tragedy.”
6. I am “busy.” I’m OMGSoooobusy! that things I have no time for include: rescheduling that dentist appointment, chaperoning 60 kindergarteners on a trip to the zoo, and zumba classes. I do, however, have time to spend an hour and a half on line looking for a tunic sweater that’s chunky but not too chunky while catching up on Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD.
7. Have you heard about this new product you’re supposed to buy? You know, the super frivolous one that exemplifies the ludicrous level of consumerism in our lives? It’s a “life changer” you guys! Use the laundry detergent pod / next generation Snuggie / giant cupcake pan and BOOM. Life. Changed.
What else would you add to the list?