The few, the proud, the vampire hecklers.

I had this moment right before Christmas where I found myself standing in line at a big box store attempting to stock up on household staples and then thought, “You know what? Screw this. The angels we have heard on high were not like, “Thou shalt spend countless hours waiting to buy stuff that thou dost not really want.” If my joy is being snuffed out by my impulse to yell at the extreme couponer in front of me then I need to rehab my joy level STAT.”


Make sure your oxygen mask is secure before you secure your child’s, right?  


So I ditched shopping in favor of the movies. Seeing a movie in the theater by yourself is great for many reasons: You have the perfect excuse to turn off your cell phone and be thoroughly uncontactable for several hours. You get to react how you want, when you want without worrying that you’ll hurt the feelings of whoever dragged you to the movie. You get to just be without feeling like you should be checking your email or cleaning the bathroom.

Wait, what’s that, small child? You want to see the movie where a dog talks and then I throw up from a saccharin overdose? Well, SUCK IT. Because you’re not here. I get to pick the movie.
Granted, I had not planned ahead. But lots of great stuff was playing like “The Hobbit” and “Lincoln.”
Then, DISASTER STRUCK. All the movies I wanted to see were sold out or not playing for several hours so my only real movie option was a discounted matinee of “Breaking Dawn Part 2” that started in five minutes.

I’ve read some popular romances but they’re not really my thing. I give the massively trendy ones a shot for the same reason I tried hot yoga and jeggings: everyone is constantly talking about them so even if I try them and don’t care for it at least I’ll know what everyone is raving about. I’ve read “Fifty Shades of Grey,” “The Hunger Games,” the Sookie Stackhouse / “True Blood” novels, and “Twilight.” I’m firmly Team Disinfectant, Team Gale, Team Sam, and Team That Guy Who Almost Hit Bella with his Van.


So I was not enthusiastic about “Breaking Dawn 2” but I was determined to carpe the hell out of this diem so vampires having feelings it was.


Here’s the amazing thing: it was fantastic.


By “it,” I of course do not mean the movie itself. Though all of the close up shots of vampires eye-acting made me think about the merits of eyelash extensions so in that sense I can honestly say “Breaking Dawn 2” was both “thought provoking” and “unexpected.”


The fantastic-ness I’m talking about was the moving going experience itself. Partly this was the case because of all of that stuff I said before about being able to detach from the outside world for a few hours when you go to the movies alone. But mainly it was because rather than Twihards the theater was miraculously full of impulsive movie goers who didn’t get to see “Lincoln.” The skeptical, the Bieber fever immune, the snarky: MY PEOPLE. 


We laughed. We cried. A group of college kids in the front sporadically wondered aloud if the Voltari actually had a legitimate beef with Peter Facinelli because in fairness it is pretty creepy that he exclusively bites teenagers. A teenage boy to my left kept muttering, “This isn’t realistic AT ALL. None of the vampires I know ever act like this.” The woman in her forties sitting next to me sent a text that read, “OMG, u guyz. No one from home room is here.”


It was just what I needed to put aside my holiday angst and get back to wishing peace on earth and good will to men. The world really is a wonderful place full of unexpected joy inspiring things including but not limited to vampire hecklers. What a beautiful Christmas miracle!
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  1. says

    I really feel that &quot;Team That Guy Who Almost Hit Bella with his Van&quot; was really under-utilized in the marketing for the Twilight movies. <br /><br />I might have actually gone to see Twilight in the theater if they&#39;d had Van Guy T-shirts.

    • says

      That would be awesome! The only thing that took away from my joy at being surrounded by impromptu Twilight snarkers was the thought that maybe somewhere in the theater there was someone wearing a Team Edward t-shirt whose heart was quietly breaking.

    • says

      Aw, that is a sad thought. It would be awful to be seeing something you really loved and everyone in the theatre was making fun of it. Like when the 50 Shades movie comes out, if someone in the theatre was mocking it the whole time I would have to kick them in the head. There just wouldn’t be any other option.

      This made me laugh so hard: “A teenage boy to my left kept muttering, “This isn’t realistic AT ALL. None of the vampires I know ever act like this.” OMG. I wouldn’t have been able to restrain myself from laughing hysterically right there.

      I love the chart of Kristen Stewart. I was just saying to another blogger how I might have enjoyed that Snow White movie more if Kristen hadn’t been sulking her way through it. Does she even know how to move her face in a non-emo way?

    • says

      OMG there’s a 50 Shades movie?! I’ll be sure to find one of those ‘hecklers welcome’ theaters for that one to avoid bodily harm. ;-P

      I love that chart too. It sums up Kristen Stewart’s range quite nicely. I believe she does occasionally smile but I don’t know. It could just be rumors.

  2. says

    Nice! Going to a movie by myself is my favorite thing in the whole freaking world; don&#39;t tell my family. But the bliss, the disconnect, the big screen that obliterates thought. And in Austin we have this rockin&#39; theater where a waiter will bring good food AND booze to your seat yet no one is allowed to talk and they kick out people who do.

    • says

      My new life goal is to go to Austin and go to that theater. It&#39;s good that they don&#39;t let you talk. I&#39;m usually not one of those people who&#39;s pro-hecklers because I worry that some die hard fan&#39;s day will be ruined but on that day, for that day movie, I was so glad they were there.

  3. says

    I would have been in tears after the duct tape/onion/extreme couponer incident and then Breaking Dawn 2 being the only movie playing. Tears, I tell you. You’re made of stronger stuff than I am!

  4. says

    Are you too young for Rocky Horror? I remember going when I went off to college — like a rite of passage. That’s what I thought of when you wrote of people talking back to the screen. I tried to read the book (Twilight) as a group project with my daughter and see the movie. I couldn’t get through either. And I hadn’t been to the movie by myself since college when I went to matinees to review for extra credit. It was great. I didn’t feel like a loser (a 20 yo sitting in a completely empty theater) because I was there for school. I had a gigantic coke and popcorn all to myself. It was wonderful.

    • says

      Rocky Horror came out before I was born but I’ve heard tell of midnight Halloween showings of the film where people dress up and throw rice during the wedding scene. I would love that!

      Yeah, Twilight is, um, well. Yeah. It sure is a book that someone wrote that a lot of people liked.

      Going to the movies alone is awesome!

  5. says

    That sounds like so much fun! I read those books and enjoyed them, but man those movies were God awful. Your way of watching is absolutely perfect for them! It was a perfect timing convergence of Twilight haters who all made it fun anyway :)

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